Tag Archive | transformation

Scars

quotebook

 

I just saw a quote, that fell in love with me and doesn’t seem to want to leave my head. I don’t know where it came from, it doesn’t say or I could give it proper credit. “My scars are part of my story. They are reminders of how life tried to break me…..and failed.” I don’t often think about my scars, I’m well aware that they exist and I know the story to all of them. When that quote struck me I started thinking about why of all the things in life that I have been through, would these seemingly bad moments when something hurt so bad that it left a permanent mark to remind me of the pain, why would these be moments that I want to remember. Why would that moment need marked?

The oldest scar that I can remember getting is a tiny round one on my right hand just below my thumb. I’ve had that scar since I was about 6 years old. I got a wood splinter in my hand and it was so small that you couldn’t see It. I’m not sure how long it had been there when my hand became infected. I remember my grandmother was the one who found it, and she was the home remedy grandma, not the emergency room grandma. So she basically held me down and used a safety pin dipped in alcohol and lots of alcohol to clean out my infection. Again my mind wonders….why this moment? Who wants to remember this? I had so many amazing moments with my grandmother why did I have to keep this one? Maybe …..that moment was the moment where I developed a love for home remedies. Maybe, on a deeper level, that was the first moment that I experienced that level of compassion from someone. To love someone so much that you were going to help them even if they fight you.

Maybe I thought there is something to this scar thing, but maybe it’s not all pain like the quote suggests, maybe those scars are the greatest moments of love that you’ve experienced here?

Having never thought about this much before, this thought will need some more examining…..

My next set of scars that I remember are on my face, my lips to be exact. I crashed my grandfather’s ATV when I went up a steep hill that I had never tried to go up before. I always watched everyone else bravely ride to the top while I parked and walked up my uncles house. This day though I was out by myself. I pulled up to the creek beside which I would normally park next to when I would walk. I sat there for a few minutes and thought to myself that I knew I could make it to the top no problem. All I had to do was stand up just as I got through the water and throw my weight forward like everyone else did when they did it. How hard is that? That’s it I thought, today is the day. Tomorrow my brother will no longer be able to make fun of me for having to park and walk, tomorrow they would all know that I could do it to! So I started going really fast and got across the water no problem,  and the next thing I really remember is lying on my back and watching the ATV coming down on top of me. I was 12 I would have been crushed. The handle of the big bike hit me in the mouth, knocked out teeth, cracked others split my lips open in 2 places, and then instead of continuing to come down on top of me it rolled to the side and fell back down into the water.

After that, the next moment I remember I was spitting out teeth in the creek and trying to wash the blood out of my mouth with water. Then I walked the rest of the way to my uncle’s house ( this was in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors to see what had happened and long before cell phones), I went inside, got some washcloths and tried again to clean up and was able to assess the damage. I know I thought about calling my mom, but thought she was going to be really mad and my face hurt, my head hurt and my arm was really hurting, I didn’t feel like getting yelled at, so I decided to walk the mile home. As if somehow by walking home I was going to be able to hide the fact that I was missing teeth and my face was split open. But again, I was 12 so I know somehow this made sense in my head. When I got home my mom was gone, but my dad was there. He of course wanted to know what happened so I choked it out through a thousand tears. He told me to go lay down and that he would be back. He went to get my mom and see if the ATV could be taken home. My mom took me to the hospital where it turned out that I had a broken arm, needed 6 stiches in the corner of my lip and another 8 in the center of my bottom lip, and after all of that I was going to require multiple dentist visits that I wasn’t looking forward to. As I think about this I have to once again wonder, why this moment? With all of the good times that we had playing on those why is this one the main one that I had to keep? Maybe it was all so that I could learn that some things are dangerous and if I was always trying to keep up with the boys something really bad was going to happen. Or maybe, if you go a level deeper, then maybe this was the first moment that I had the experience that life is precious. One bad decision, could quickly take it all away. Once again I wondered if instead of what I always thought was such a bad thing, or even an ugly thing especially being on my face, maybe this to was love.

I could go on and on, as I have numerous scars, and I could tell you the stories of each and every one of them. How they came to be, which shoes I was wearing when I got a certain blister, what I am discovering about each one. How inevitably weather it was a moment that almost took my life, or a moment that changed my life like the stretch marks that line my belly I found a moment in there that was nothing but pure love. I could also go through the one’s that you cannot see with your eyes, I can only feel them with my heart. They are the inside scars the ones we carry for our loved ones no longer here, or for those that broke our hearts on the journey to where we sit today. Those also carry with them profound lessons and so much love. I could tell you about them all like I said, but I think you get the point.

They say that everything in life is love, that in the truth of everything that we have done or experienced, be it what we think is bad or what we think is good at the core of it when we look back on it there was always love there.   I’ll never look at my scars the same. Where there is love there is life, and that is what we are all covered up with….life! Now I think that the more scars one has is just how much they have lived, experienced and loved, and isn’t that the point?

I want to…

“You’ll get what you want in life when you stop making excuses on why you don’t have it” – Unknown

I want to walk one more time in a meadow full of wildflowers and put them in my hair like I did when I was little. That is one time in every girls life that she gets to feel like a real princess.

I want to walk barefooted through the sand, jump some waves and feel the feeling of the water between my toes. Wake up in the morning after two showers and wonder how is my bed still full of sand…and not care.

I want to walk through the woods the smell of evergreens on the breeze, and feel no fear. Not worry if I’ll get lost, completely oblivious to the fact that the wolf is watching. Somehow though in her innocence of not knowing that she should even be afraid of the wolf, he leaves her alone. Yeah…I want to be that girl again.

I want to ride a horse like I’ve never fallen off. All the confidence in the world that the amazing animal that’s carrying you around would never hurt you. I miss the innocence before the fall.

 

“If you want something, get it. Period.” – Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happiness

I want to write books. Meaningful, life changing, mind altering books. The kind you always have to read twice to understand, but once you do it’s your favorite. The you’ve turned the pages so much the cover’s falling off kind of books.

…..and then, after I’ve written them…

I want to speak them. The words there on those pages that you love to read so much. I want to speak them to whoever will listen, or just out loud to myself if no one else can hear.

I want to remember. Not just this moment or the next, but all of the little ones in between. By some definition out there I saw somewhere, you might even call me a hoarder of moments. I like to hold on to them, cherish them and share them. I think that’s why I love pictures so much. My pictures, your pictures….even someone I don’t know. It gives you a snapshot of a living breathing moment…so we can remember.

I want to believe in love with my whole heart and not just the broken pieces that I’ve been afraid to put back together. To finally understand that there is no wall thick enough to keep your heart from breaking. So you might as well put it all on the line and bet on yourself in the game.

“ The first step in getting what you want, is having the courage to get rid of what you don’t.” – Unknown

I want to see things as they are, not as I would like them to be or how the world says they should be. How they really are. Underneath all the makeup and regret. Then I want to see them as they could be so that the future is better than the past.

I want to count the stars and stare at the moon. Watch it moving above me like I’m sitting still. Contemplate a world so cool that the moon actually follows me around.

I want to be remembered someday, not for all of the things that I didn’t do, but for all of the things that I did. All of the things that impacted someone else, because I believe that when you are living your life to your greatest and highest levels that it spreads and others do the same.

Why you ask……
Because I want to……

 

     “When you want something you’ve never had. You have to do something you’ve never done”  – Unknown

To Love You Any Way

Searching

 

     It always amazes me when someone hates school. That’s like saying I hate life. After all this is just one big cosmic class room for the learning impaired. Everyone running around with their head spinning trying to cram at the last minute for a test they didn’t know was coming. Sometimes it feels like every other day half the world wakes up and the Universe screams “pop quiz!” Sad part is Mom’s not always home to ask us what we learned today, and we are too caught up in the stress of it, or in some cases the mess of it and we forget to ask ourselves. Then there comes a day that stops us in our tracks. A day that was seemingly like any other, until it wasn’t. The day that causes us to get quiet and reevaluate our lives. To slow down, take a deep breath and just ask ourselves …”what was that really all about anyway, that thing that pissed us off so bad?”

      You see lately I find myself in situations that normally would have turned me just around the corner from crazy and look at them in a different way. I’m feeling like those buttons you used to push aren’t there anymore. All of those things that you would do that hurt me are gone.  Even when the same sin is committed by someone else. I used to hold it against them and get furious at the thought of them treating me the same way that you did. Now I understand that it is their lack not mine, but you brought it out in me because I felt the same lack at that time. The difference in then and now is that my heart is full and I don’t feel that lack in me anymore. When I see me, I know that I’m enough. No matter if you’re in my life or not I’m happy. So what’s my lesson in life been lately…”Love myself enough, to know that I can love you anyway.”

       I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not yell at or lecture my children. I talk to them as if they can understand, and in return they listen. When things are down I give them the only thing I have to give them that means anything in this world. I give them my love.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not get mad at my critics, but rather understand the hurt that is behind the words that are said. It’s hard to look beyond words sometimes, but that is where we hide our elusive hearts.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that most of what was said wasn’t the same thing that was heard. So we need to forgive ourselves for the moments that we did not understand and forgive others for the times that they did not.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know to trust that voice within When it screams “Write…you have something to say!” To trust in the possibility that what I have to say might change someone. That it might, just maybe change me.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that it doesn’t matter if you see me….If you love me. For the first time in my life I’m not invisible, if you choose not to see me it’s because you’ve chosen to be blind. If you choose not to love me it’s because you’ve chosen to stay inside yourself a while longer…..and I’ve learned to love myself enough, to love you anyway.

     I’m just waiting for the day when everyone quits hating class, and can truly say “I love school!” “It’s tough sometimes, but those are the times that are the most worth it.”  Somehow they turn out to be the “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world moments.”  They are just before the most beautiful moments of our lives. The one where we realize that if we could all just spend one day loving ourselves so much that we could say to those who do us wrong, lie to us, try to break us, the one’s with the lessons that allow us to grow. Could you say to them…I love me enough, to love you anyway?

Tonight

Tonight I just want to burn it all up…every part and piece of my past that weighs me down, let it all go up in smoke. Leave behind the pain of it and build myself into a better version of the amazing that I know I already am. Tonight I want to dance in the rain and let it wash away the residue of the life that I have already lived. Make room on my skin for the glorious new life that is in front of me.  Tonight I want to not ever forget where I come from, or where I’ve been. I do however want to stop letting it define who I am in this moment, because I am neither of those things. Tonight I want to find my voice, the one that’s screaming from deep inside me the words “I just want to be heard.” I rarely let her out to play, at least not until she throws a tantrum that I can’t control. I want to let her out to play every day…that voice that rules my heart.

Tonight I want to bottle that feeling that I felt all day, where life was just flowing through me instead of me feeling like I was fighting the current. Then I can just take a sip whenever I get caught up in the rapids. Tonight I want to remember what it’s like to see life through the eyes of a child. Look at everything as though it was brand new and I’m seeing it for the first time. Somewhere along the journey I grew up and forgot how amazing it is to just get lost in the wonder and the beauty of life. Tonight I want to relearn, redesign, and realign my life. Pick up all those broken pieces of the puzzle that I long ago dropped on the ground see what still fits in the picture, and lovingly discard the rest. Tonight I want to rediscover that total high you get when you are living your life, your way, without apology, fear, or judgment.

Tonight I want to stare up at the moon and remember that I am a part of that kind of beautiful. In fact I am that kind of beautiful, because I am you and you are me and we are the universe in human form. Tonight I want to remember that we are all that kind of beautiful, the cracks on the moon don’t take away from the beauty of it and neither do our scars.  Tonight I want to remember that love isn’t just a thing, it’s the only thing. It’s who I am, and who you are and who we all are underneath the walls we’ve built around ourselves that are designed to keep it out. Tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to remember what my first taste of what I can only imagine was freedom from the invisible chains that weighed me down was like. When I wake up in the morning I’m going to go in search of it once more, because once you’ve tasted it….I don’t think you can ever get enough.

The Phoenix

     “Sometimes your world has to completely change to become reborn. Sometimes you have to completely die to your life before because like a cocoon it was a place to prepare you. If you stay in the cocoon you will never truly live. To die to your present life is to change into the self you were born to be. Trusting G*d is the hardest thing to do sometimes, but it is the only way to break away and become the Phoenix…” ~ Charlie Moore

It seems like just yesterday my children were splashing in the mud puddles in front of our house on a rainy day. Just a blink of an eye back from there I was a child myself and out for a walk in the rain. It seems like yesterday, yet I live a million miles away from either of those places. Sometimes as slow as time seems to move, it really goes so fast. Time is in a constant state of motion in our lives and so is change.  Change creeps slowly into our lives at times and becomes a choice we make. Other times change crashes in through a window completely out of nowhere and shakes us at our core. This is when change becomes a painful process, slow progress is easy…this on the fly stuff is the hardcore work!

Have you ever had the thought “what else is there to lose?” Then been surprised by the answer when the answer is yes, and it’s the very things you thought were the most secure. It’s the things like the very core of who you are, or at least who you thought you were not fitting anymore. I guess you could describe it like a day when you try on all of the clothes in your closet and nothing fits. You know it’s time to go shopping, but you don’t know where to start because you’re right in-between sizes. This is where the journey starts, the setting fire to our past so we can leave behind the ashes of the person that we are not anymore.

I Greek mythology the Phoenix is a bird that is cyclically regenerated or reborn. I think that at the core of a human life is a Phoenix. Always watching and waiting for us to get a lesson so we can move forward to the next and the next and the next. Life seems to be a never ending cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. My friend Charlie sent me the quote above the other day. I don’t know that he did, but I like to think he wrote it just for me. When I thanked him for the words he told me that I am the greatest Phoenix that he has ever known. I have never thought of myself as having this power, but standing here staring at my past while I’m in the fire I can’t help but remember this has happened before. Sometimes when we look at things that seem brand new they are really all too familiar.  This will not be the first time that I have rebuilt myself from the ground up, and I am sure that it will not be the last.

I know that many of the people that I love the most are in this same place right now. Coming out of a life that doesn’t fit and not knowing what the future holds. Knowing that you can never be again the person that you are in this moment and fearful of the not knowing the person that you are supposed to be. This is the time we have to turn on our faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, because if we weren’t we would be somewhere completely different. Just a little tip for the journey, stay in the fire until it consumes you. Let it take every last piece of the illusion that is you, so you can be reborn into the life that you are meant to live. So you can be the Phoenix…..

I Can Get Up

 

 

     My favorite speaker Less Brown has a saying “If you fall down make sure you land on your back, because if you can look up you can get up.” I wish I had a good count as to how many times those few words have saved my life. Even during the worst of times when my daughter was a heroin addict and my whole family was coming apart at the seams. There were many mornings that I had to roll over on my back in order to remind myself that I could get up. There have been many days in the last few months that this has been uttered over and over in my head. I have noticed a difference this time though. This time I really knew in my heart that I could get up. This time I believed every word and as I uttered them I felt safe. This time my monkey mind that takes off racing with every imaginable worst case scenario didn’t take over, because I knew the truth in the statement “I can get up!”

     This has been a year for me that I assure you I will never forget. In a different way than one might think. It’s human nature to remember the bad times in our lives, but most people seem to believe it’s because they were the most traumatic. I no longer see it that way. Instead I think I will remember this particular tough time not because it was traumatic, but because why would I ever want to forget the things that have turned me into the woman that I am becoming. It’s kind of like if you get bit by a spider in a lab and become Spider Man….well that’s the kind of life changing thing you will want to remember. In my case it’s the same as becoming Wonder Woman, why would I ever want to forget the things that transpired so that I could claim my new identity?  

     At the end of the day this journey that I’m on has brought me to a place where I am changing every day. I am more grateful now than I have ever been, for both the things and the amazing people that I have in my life. Probably because I understand better than ever before what it is that’s important. I have more peace in my life than I have ever known, and in that peace I’m finding joy. Every day my universe expands and fills the day with better and better possibilities than the day before, and if I should stumble and fall I’ll know there is no reason to worry because I CAN get up!! 

Looking For Love

          Love is abundant, but our experiences of it are sometimes rare ~ Gary Zukov. I just read those words, it’s amazing how when truth strikes you, you just feel it. I wonder sometimes how many people spend their days wandering the earth and never see anything except the pain of it. Could this be the reason that suicide rates are so high in the world today? Not only suicide rates, but depression, drug abuse (both legal and illegal), makes me wonder what would happen if people were taught to look inside any situation and find the love in it. I think this should be one of the earliest lessons for our children to learn. Can you imagine a society full of people who really did look for the sunny side of their sadness? The Dalai Lhama says If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry. When we are worried and can’t see the love in a situation, then we suffer. If we find the love in a situation then we can stay in the moment, and in the moment we find that everything is ok, just as it is.

     I know that preaching things and living them are two different things, and I don’t want you to get the idea that I don’t ever feel pain, sadness, anger or get just a little depressed. I do, but that’s part of the human experience. There’s a saying out there that says it pretty good…

Unnamed woman’s autobiography…she wrote 4 short chapters.

Chapter 1 – Went walking down a street – there was a hole; I fell in. Struggled to climb out. Not my fault.

Chapter 2 – Went walking down same street – there was a hole; I fell in. Struggled to climb out. My fault.

Chapter 3 – Went walking down same street – walked around the hole.

Chapter 4 – Went down a different street.

     I think that sums up life pretty good, we all get hit by things we didn’t expect. That’s when it’s not our fault, we didn’t know it was coming. We react with anger, sadness, loss and depression. We lose sight of anything beautiful, or spectacular in the world around us. We put on blinders that we choose to wear every day and see the world only in shades of grey. Never getting to see the rainbows right in front of us that were put there just for us to see. What so many people in the world forget to realize is that we have a choice to continue to walk down that same road and fall in that same hole every day. I know it’s not easy, I’ve done my time in purgatory. At the end of the day I find comfort in knowing that I have a choice what street I walk down today. There are days I choose the shades of grey, because a rainbow would just piss me off more than I could stand. However, the majority of my days I choose to walk in the sunshine and find the love that passed through my life today.

     Tonight I leave you with a question to think about….what would change in your world tomorrow if you spent just that one day looking for the love in your life instead of looking for the loss? I’m not talking about the little moments that we can all find gratitude in every day. What I’m talking about is those life changing moments when you know that life will never be the same from here on out. Can you look at those moments with a microscope and not only find the gratitude, but find the love? Can you find the love of your friends, loved ones, strangers and sometimes your community at large…can you find the love of God? Can you find love for yourself? These days I walk my talk, some days it might take me longer than others to find it, but I always find the love in my days.