Tag Archive | love

Scars

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I just saw a quote, that fell in love with me and doesn’t seem to want to leave my head. I don’t know where it came from, it doesn’t say or I could give it proper credit. “My scars are part of my story. They are reminders of how life tried to break me…..and failed.” I don’t often think about my scars, I’m well aware that they exist and I know the story to all of them. When that quote struck me I started thinking about why of all the things in life that I have been through, would these seemingly bad moments when something hurt so bad that it left a permanent mark to remind me of the pain, why would these be moments that I want to remember. Why would that moment need marked?

The oldest scar that I can remember getting is a tiny round one on my right hand just below my thumb. I’ve had that scar since I was about 6 years old. I got a wood splinter in my hand and it was so small that you couldn’t see It. I’m not sure how long it had been there when my hand became infected. I remember my grandmother was the one who found it, and she was the home remedy grandma, not the emergency room grandma. So she basically held me down and used a safety pin dipped in alcohol and lots of alcohol to clean out my infection. Again my mind wonders….why this moment? Who wants to remember this? I had so many amazing moments with my grandmother why did I have to keep this one? Maybe …..that moment was the moment where I developed a love for home remedies. Maybe, on a deeper level, that was the first moment that I experienced that level of compassion from someone. To love someone so much that you were going to help them even if they fight you.

Maybe I thought there is something to this scar thing, but maybe it’s not all pain like the quote suggests, maybe those scars are the greatest moments of love that you’ve experienced here?

Having never thought about this much before, this thought will need some more examining…..

My next set of scars that I remember are on my face, my lips to be exact. I crashed my grandfather’s ATV when I went up a steep hill that I had never tried to go up before. I always watched everyone else bravely ride to the top while I parked and walked up my uncles house. This day though I was out by myself. I pulled up to the creek beside which I would normally park next to when I would walk. I sat there for a few minutes and thought to myself that I knew I could make it to the top no problem. All I had to do was stand up just as I got through the water and throw my weight forward like everyone else did when they did it. How hard is that? That’s it I thought, today is the day. Tomorrow my brother will no longer be able to make fun of me for having to park and walk, tomorrow they would all know that I could do it to! So I started going really fast and got across the water no problem,  and the next thing I really remember is lying on my back and watching the ATV coming down on top of me. I was 12 I would have been crushed. The handle of the big bike hit me in the mouth, knocked out teeth, cracked others split my lips open in 2 places, and then instead of continuing to come down on top of me it rolled to the side and fell back down into the water.

After that, the next moment I remember I was spitting out teeth in the creek and trying to wash the blood out of my mouth with water. Then I walked the rest of the way to my uncle’s house ( this was in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors to see what had happened and long before cell phones), I went inside, got some washcloths and tried again to clean up and was able to assess the damage. I know I thought about calling my mom, but thought she was going to be really mad and my face hurt, my head hurt and my arm was really hurting, I didn’t feel like getting yelled at, so I decided to walk the mile home. As if somehow by walking home I was going to be able to hide the fact that I was missing teeth and my face was split open. But again, I was 12 so I know somehow this made sense in my head. When I got home my mom was gone, but my dad was there. He of course wanted to know what happened so I choked it out through a thousand tears. He told me to go lay down and that he would be back. He went to get my mom and see if the ATV could be taken home. My mom took me to the hospital where it turned out that I had a broken arm, needed 6 stiches in the corner of my lip and another 8 in the center of my bottom lip, and after all of that I was going to require multiple dentist visits that I wasn’t looking forward to. As I think about this I have to once again wonder, why this moment? With all of the good times that we had playing on those why is this one the main one that I had to keep? Maybe it was all so that I could learn that some things are dangerous and if I was always trying to keep up with the boys something really bad was going to happen. Or maybe, if you go a level deeper, then maybe this was the first moment that I had the experience that life is precious. One bad decision, could quickly take it all away. Once again I wondered if instead of what I always thought was such a bad thing, or even an ugly thing especially being on my face, maybe this to was love.

I could go on and on, as I have numerous scars, and I could tell you the stories of each and every one of them. How they came to be, which shoes I was wearing when I got a certain blister, what I am discovering about each one. How inevitably weather it was a moment that almost took my life, or a moment that changed my life like the stretch marks that line my belly I found a moment in there that was nothing but pure love. I could also go through the one’s that you cannot see with your eyes, I can only feel them with my heart. They are the inside scars the ones we carry for our loved ones no longer here, or for those that broke our hearts on the journey to where we sit today. Those also carry with them profound lessons and so much love. I could tell you about them all like I said, but I think you get the point.

They say that everything in life is love, that in the truth of everything that we have done or experienced, be it what we think is bad or what we think is good at the core of it when we look back on it there was always love there.   I’ll never look at my scars the same. Where there is love there is life, and that is what we are all covered up with….life! Now I think that the more scars one has is just how much they have lived, experienced and loved, and isn’t that the point?

My Little Girl

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In my life I have been lucky enough to have had many amazing people walk through my world. There are however very few that I would say that I really look up to in such a way that I strive to be like them. In the handful of those amazing souls my two amazing daughters are at the top of that list. Some people might think it a little backwards for the parent to look up to their children, I just think it means that as a parent I did my job right. To raise a child that is so amazing that you admire them….I kind of think that was my job and I did it not once, but twice. We should all be so lucky.  Today I want to honor my youngest daughter Alyssa Crawford, for all that she is and all that she is yet to become. She is 23 years old today, and in those 23 years this will be the first birthday that I have missed. Although I am away with her blessing and her encouragement, this is the hardest day that I have been away from home so far.

So Miss Alyssa, here’s to you…..

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On this day 23 years ago I held you in my arms for the first time, there is nothing in the world like the moment that they put this tiny person in your arms that you have been waiting to meet for what seems like forever. Unfortunately I was a little drugged so the moment was quick, but it was the first of many amazing moments yet to come with you in my arms and your big, beautiful presence in my life.  I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today without my daughters. We learn from each other, it has never been just my children learning from me. That is how I think it should be, as our children know more than we ever give them credit for. I am happy to say that at the end of the day I know that when it’s needed that I am the little voice of reason sitting on your shoulder helping you make wiser decisions, just as you and your sister are mine. It’s hard to believe sometimes that you are already 23 because in some ways time has gone by all too quickly, although this journey of ours has not always been an easy one and sometimes it seems like it’s been longer.

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I’d like today to tell everyone all of the amazing things about Alyssa, but I’d be writing all night and I’d like to post this while it’s still her birthday. So here are just a few of the things about my daughter that make her so special, and a superhero in my eyes.

  1. Beautiful – Inside and out. I love that as you are getting older you get more beautiful. I will never forget the time you told me that you thought that you would never be more beautiful than you were in one of your pictures from high school. Then you realized that you were just loving life and it was the energy you had around you that made you glow so much and you realized that when you get happy in your life it shows on the outside. Keep cultivating that energy and take it with you your whole life.
  2. Giving – Always you are coming home with stories about the people that you give to. You don’t just roll down the window and pass some change out like most of us do. You take the time to go get a gift card and some cash, sometimes a meal and take it back to them. You my lady are truly an angel, you just show up for people in a way that I envy. Never lose that giving side of yourself in this world that can be sometimes cold, you are a breath of fresh air.
  3. Funny – I know the entire world doesn’t always get our sense of humor, but put me, you and Ashton in a room together and we can laugh all night. I don’t care if anyone else thinks we are funny…the important part is that we do!! Keep laughing, life is too short for anything else.
  4. Strong – You have a strength that most people don’t know about. In the short 23 years that you have graced us with your presence you have been through some stuff! I know there are times when you want to let things bring you down, but you always find the strength to get back up and come out on top. Watching you has brought me strength in so many untold ways. Always stay strong enough to cry, and strong enough to know when it’s time to wipe your tears and get back up.
  5. Loving – They say you never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back. You throw your heart in the ring and go for it…always. It doesn’t matter if it is friends, family or the man in your life, when you love, you love. I am blessed to be your mother and be one of the people in this world that gets to be loved by you. Never lose that all in love you have in your heart…it’s a rare thing in this world.

There are a million more reasons why I look up to you, but those are the ones I’ll tell the world today. Happy Birthday Alyssa Crawford. It is one of the greatest pleasures in this life to have the privilege to be your Mom. I love you! Here is to the next 23!!

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P.S. I would have posted some embarrassing childhood photos, but I didn’t bring them on the trip. Lucky Girl!!

To Love You Any Way

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     It always amazes me when someone hates school. That’s like saying I hate life. After all this is just one big cosmic class room for the learning impaired. Everyone running around with their head spinning trying to cram at the last minute for a test they didn’t know was coming. Sometimes it feels like every other day half the world wakes up and the Universe screams “pop quiz!” Sad part is Mom’s not always home to ask us what we learned today, and we are too caught up in the stress of it, or in some cases the mess of it and we forget to ask ourselves. Then there comes a day that stops us in our tracks. A day that was seemingly like any other, until it wasn’t. The day that causes us to get quiet and reevaluate our lives. To slow down, take a deep breath and just ask ourselves …”what was that really all about anyway, that thing that pissed us off so bad?”

      You see lately I find myself in situations that normally would have turned me just around the corner from crazy and look at them in a different way. I’m feeling like those buttons you used to push aren’t there anymore. All of those things that you would do that hurt me are gone.  Even when the same sin is committed by someone else. I used to hold it against them and get furious at the thought of them treating me the same way that you did. Now I understand that it is their lack not mine, but you brought it out in me because I felt the same lack at that time. The difference in then and now is that my heart is full and I don’t feel that lack in me anymore. When I see me, I know that I’m enough. No matter if you’re in my life or not I’m happy. So what’s my lesson in life been lately…”Love myself enough, to know that I can love you anyway.”

       I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not yell at or lecture my children. I talk to them as if they can understand, and in return they listen. When things are down I give them the only thing I have to give them that means anything in this world. I give them my love.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not get mad at my critics, but rather understand the hurt that is behind the words that are said. It’s hard to look beyond words sometimes, but that is where we hide our elusive hearts.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that most of what was said wasn’t the same thing that was heard. So we need to forgive ourselves for the moments that we did not understand and forgive others for the times that they did not.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know to trust that voice within When it screams “Write…you have something to say!” To trust in the possibility that what I have to say might change someone. That it might, just maybe change me.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that it doesn’t matter if you see me….If you love me. For the first time in my life I’m not invisible, if you choose not to see me it’s because you’ve chosen to be blind. If you choose not to love me it’s because you’ve chosen to stay inside yourself a while longer…..and I’ve learned to love myself enough, to love you anyway.

     I’m just waiting for the day when everyone quits hating class, and can truly say “I love school!” “It’s tough sometimes, but those are the times that are the most worth it.”  Somehow they turn out to be the “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world moments.”  They are just before the most beautiful moments of our lives. The one where we realize that if we could all just spend one day loving ourselves so much that we could say to those who do us wrong, lie to us, try to break us, the one’s with the lessons that allow us to grow. Could you say to them…I love me enough, to love you anyway?

Tonight

Tonight I just want to burn it all up…every part and piece of my past that weighs me down, let it all go up in smoke. Leave behind the pain of it and build myself into a better version of the amazing that I know I already am. Tonight I want to dance in the rain and let it wash away the residue of the life that I have already lived. Make room on my skin for the glorious new life that is in front of me.  Tonight I want to not ever forget where I come from, or where I’ve been. I do however want to stop letting it define who I am in this moment, because I am neither of those things. Tonight I want to find my voice, the one that’s screaming from deep inside me the words “I just want to be heard.” I rarely let her out to play, at least not until she throws a tantrum that I can’t control. I want to let her out to play every day…that voice that rules my heart.

Tonight I want to bottle that feeling that I felt all day, where life was just flowing through me instead of me feeling like I was fighting the current. Then I can just take a sip whenever I get caught up in the rapids. Tonight I want to remember what it’s like to see life through the eyes of a child. Look at everything as though it was brand new and I’m seeing it for the first time. Somewhere along the journey I grew up and forgot how amazing it is to just get lost in the wonder and the beauty of life. Tonight I want to relearn, redesign, and realign my life. Pick up all those broken pieces of the puzzle that I long ago dropped on the ground see what still fits in the picture, and lovingly discard the rest. Tonight I want to rediscover that total high you get when you are living your life, your way, without apology, fear, or judgment.

Tonight I want to stare up at the moon and remember that I am a part of that kind of beautiful. In fact I am that kind of beautiful, because I am you and you are me and we are the universe in human form. Tonight I want to remember that we are all that kind of beautiful, the cracks on the moon don’t take away from the beauty of it and neither do our scars.  Tonight I want to remember that love isn’t just a thing, it’s the only thing. It’s who I am, and who you are and who we all are underneath the walls we’ve built around ourselves that are designed to keep it out. Tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to remember what my first taste of what I can only imagine was freedom from the invisible chains that weighed me down was like. When I wake up in the morning I’m going to go in search of it once more, because once you’ve tasted it….I don’t think you can ever get enough.

Looking For Love

          Love is abundant, but our experiences of it are sometimes rare ~ Gary Zukov. I just read those words, it’s amazing how when truth strikes you, you just feel it. I wonder sometimes how many people spend their days wandering the earth and never see anything except the pain of it. Could this be the reason that suicide rates are so high in the world today? Not only suicide rates, but depression, drug abuse (both legal and illegal), makes me wonder what would happen if people were taught to look inside any situation and find the love in it. I think this should be one of the earliest lessons for our children to learn. Can you imagine a society full of people who really did look for the sunny side of their sadness? The Dalai Lhama says If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry. When we are worried and can’t see the love in a situation, then we suffer. If we find the love in a situation then we can stay in the moment, and in the moment we find that everything is ok, just as it is.

     I know that preaching things and living them are two different things, and I don’t want you to get the idea that I don’t ever feel pain, sadness, anger or get just a little depressed. I do, but that’s part of the human experience. There’s a saying out there that says it pretty good…

Unnamed woman’s autobiography…she wrote 4 short chapters.

Chapter 1 – Went walking down a street – there was a hole; I fell in. Struggled to climb out. Not my fault.

Chapter 2 – Went walking down same street – there was a hole; I fell in. Struggled to climb out. My fault.

Chapter 3 – Went walking down same street – walked around the hole.

Chapter 4 – Went down a different street.

     I think that sums up life pretty good, we all get hit by things we didn’t expect. That’s when it’s not our fault, we didn’t know it was coming. We react with anger, sadness, loss and depression. We lose sight of anything beautiful, or spectacular in the world around us. We put on blinders that we choose to wear every day and see the world only in shades of grey. Never getting to see the rainbows right in front of us that were put there just for us to see. What so many people in the world forget to realize is that we have a choice to continue to walk down that same road and fall in that same hole every day. I know it’s not easy, I’ve done my time in purgatory. At the end of the day I find comfort in knowing that I have a choice what street I walk down today. There are days I choose the shades of grey, because a rainbow would just piss me off more than I could stand. However, the majority of my days I choose to walk in the sunshine and find the love that passed through my life today.

     Tonight I leave you with a question to think about….what would change in your world tomorrow if you spent just that one day looking for the love in your life instead of looking for the loss? I’m not talking about the little moments that we can all find gratitude in every day. What I’m talking about is those life changing moments when you know that life will never be the same from here on out. Can you look at those moments with a microscope and not only find the gratitude, but find the love? Can you find the love of your friends, loved ones, strangers and sometimes your community at large…can you find the love of God? Can you find love for yourself? These days I walk my talk, some days it might take me longer than others to find it, but I always find the love in my days.

 

I Want

     Have you ever spent a lot of time pondering the question what now? I seem to swim in that question lately. I have so many directions I could take right now and I feel like I’m starting to spin in circles trying to figure out which way to go. The worst part is there are a couple of roads that I know I don’t want to take and yet some days even they look tempting. They are of course the roads that lead to the greener pastures we all talk about. While the others are rockier and don’t appear to be that scenic, but I hear at the end of one of those roads is the Garden of Eden. These of course are not the roads for the faint of heart. When one embarks on a journey down one of the rocky roads they have to be prepared for the bumps that go along with it. Before I can possibly make a choice as to which direction to go, I think I need to get really clear on the things that I want in my life. So my question at the moment is simply ….what do I really want?

     *I Want…..to do something every day that not only changes my world for the better, but someone else’s.

     *I Want……to write, which I get to do here and I am so grateful for things like blogging, but I think I want to write a book.

     *I Want…..to let go of guilt. I’m running around in the middle of a self- inflicted guilt trip now and this will be the last one!

     *I Want…..to be able to share my gifts with the world in some way that makes it a better place.

     *I Want…..to surround myself with others who have integrity in every aspect of their lives. Not just the easy ones.

     *I Want…..to always know my own heart. I know my heart never betrays me, but sometimes I betray it.

     *I Want…..to find as much joy as I can from life, even when dealing with the things that cause anger, hurt and sadness.

     *I Want…..to continue to find love in as many things throughout the day as possible….even the anger, hurt and sadness.

     *I Want…..to always have time in the day to just breathe and speak my gratitude for all of the gifts in my life, and those that are yet to be delivered.

     *I Want…..all of this or something better!

     I’m sure there will be more things that come to mind now that I’m thinking about things on a deeper level. Although I think the core, the most important parts of what I want are all on the list above. I’m learning lots of lessons lately about what’s important and what’s not so I know that list is hundreds of miles off course from where it would have been just 6 months ago. I love how quickly things can change when you’re paying attention to the details. All in all I wouldn’t change a moment of my recent experiences. The road has been pretty rocky some days, but the treasures hidden along the way…well I wouldn’t trade those for all of the greener pastures I know are out there.