Tag Archive | life

Scars

quotebook

 

I just saw a quote, that fell in love with me and doesn’t seem to want to leave my head. I don’t know where it came from, it doesn’t say or I could give it proper credit. “My scars are part of my story. They are reminders of how life tried to break me…..and failed.” I don’t often think about my scars, I’m well aware that they exist and I know the story to all of them. When that quote struck me I started thinking about why of all the things in life that I have been through, would these seemingly bad moments when something hurt so bad that it left a permanent mark to remind me of the pain, why would these be moments that I want to remember. Why would that moment need marked?

The oldest scar that I can remember getting is a tiny round one on my right hand just below my thumb. I’ve had that scar since I was about 6 years old. I got a wood splinter in my hand and it was so small that you couldn’t see It. I’m not sure how long it had been there when my hand became infected. I remember my grandmother was the one who found it, and she was the home remedy grandma, not the emergency room grandma. So she basically held me down and used a safety pin dipped in alcohol and lots of alcohol to clean out my infection. Again my mind wonders….why this moment? Who wants to remember this? I had so many amazing moments with my grandmother why did I have to keep this one? Maybe …..that moment was the moment where I developed a love for home remedies. Maybe, on a deeper level, that was the first moment that I experienced that level of compassion from someone. To love someone so much that you were going to help them even if they fight you.

Maybe I thought there is something to this scar thing, but maybe it’s not all pain like the quote suggests, maybe those scars are the greatest moments of love that you’ve experienced here?

Having never thought about this much before, this thought will need some more examining…..

My next set of scars that I remember are on my face, my lips to be exact. I crashed my grandfather’s ATV when I went up a steep hill that I had never tried to go up before. I always watched everyone else bravely ride to the top while I parked and walked up my uncles house. This day though I was out by myself. I pulled up to the creek beside which I would normally park next to when I would walk. I sat there for a few minutes and thought to myself that I knew I could make it to the top no problem. All I had to do was stand up just as I got through the water and throw my weight forward like everyone else did when they did it. How hard is that? That’s it I thought, today is the day. Tomorrow my brother will no longer be able to make fun of me for having to park and walk, tomorrow they would all know that I could do it to! So I started going really fast and got across the water no problem,  and the next thing I really remember is lying on my back and watching the ATV coming down on top of me. I was 12 I would have been crushed. The handle of the big bike hit me in the mouth, knocked out teeth, cracked others split my lips open in 2 places, and then instead of continuing to come down on top of me it rolled to the side and fell back down into the water.

After that, the next moment I remember I was spitting out teeth in the creek and trying to wash the blood out of my mouth with water. Then I walked the rest of the way to my uncle’s house ( this was in the middle of nowhere with no neighbors to see what had happened and long before cell phones), I went inside, got some washcloths and tried again to clean up and was able to assess the damage. I know I thought about calling my mom, but thought she was going to be really mad and my face hurt, my head hurt and my arm was really hurting, I didn’t feel like getting yelled at, so I decided to walk the mile home. As if somehow by walking home I was going to be able to hide the fact that I was missing teeth and my face was split open. But again, I was 12 so I know somehow this made sense in my head. When I got home my mom was gone, but my dad was there. He of course wanted to know what happened so I choked it out through a thousand tears. He told me to go lay down and that he would be back. He went to get my mom and see if the ATV could be taken home. My mom took me to the hospital where it turned out that I had a broken arm, needed 6 stiches in the corner of my lip and another 8 in the center of my bottom lip, and after all of that I was going to require multiple dentist visits that I wasn’t looking forward to. As I think about this I have to once again wonder, why this moment? With all of the good times that we had playing on those why is this one the main one that I had to keep? Maybe it was all so that I could learn that some things are dangerous and if I was always trying to keep up with the boys something really bad was going to happen. Or maybe, if you go a level deeper, then maybe this was the first moment that I had the experience that life is precious. One bad decision, could quickly take it all away. Once again I wondered if instead of what I always thought was such a bad thing, or even an ugly thing especially being on my face, maybe this to was love.

I could go on and on, as I have numerous scars, and I could tell you the stories of each and every one of them. How they came to be, which shoes I was wearing when I got a certain blister, what I am discovering about each one. How inevitably weather it was a moment that almost took my life, or a moment that changed my life like the stretch marks that line my belly I found a moment in there that was nothing but pure love. I could also go through the one’s that you cannot see with your eyes, I can only feel them with my heart. They are the inside scars the ones we carry for our loved ones no longer here, or for those that broke our hearts on the journey to where we sit today. Those also carry with them profound lessons and so much love. I could tell you about them all like I said, but I think you get the point.

They say that everything in life is love, that in the truth of everything that we have done or experienced, be it what we think is bad or what we think is good at the core of it when we look back on it there was always love there.   I’ll never look at my scars the same. Where there is love there is life, and that is what we are all covered up with….life! Now I think that the more scars one has is just how much they have lived, experienced and loved, and isn’t that the point?

I want to…

“You’ll get what you want in life when you stop making excuses on why you don’t have it” – Unknown

I want to walk one more time in a meadow full of wildflowers and put them in my hair like I did when I was little. That is one time in every girls life that she gets to feel like a real princess.

I want to walk barefooted through the sand, jump some waves and feel the feeling of the water between my toes. Wake up in the morning after two showers and wonder how is my bed still full of sand…and not care.

I want to walk through the woods the smell of evergreens on the breeze, and feel no fear. Not worry if I’ll get lost, completely oblivious to the fact that the wolf is watching. Somehow though in her innocence of not knowing that she should even be afraid of the wolf, he leaves her alone. Yeah…I want to be that girl again.

I want to ride a horse like I’ve never fallen off. All the confidence in the world that the amazing animal that’s carrying you around would never hurt you. I miss the innocence before the fall.

 

“If you want something, get it. Period.” – Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happiness

I want to write books. Meaningful, life changing, mind altering books. The kind you always have to read twice to understand, but once you do it’s your favorite. The you’ve turned the pages so much the cover’s falling off kind of books.

…..and then, after I’ve written them…

I want to speak them. The words there on those pages that you love to read so much. I want to speak them to whoever will listen, or just out loud to myself if no one else can hear.

I want to remember. Not just this moment or the next, but all of the little ones in between. By some definition out there I saw somewhere, you might even call me a hoarder of moments. I like to hold on to them, cherish them and share them. I think that’s why I love pictures so much. My pictures, your pictures….even someone I don’t know. It gives you a snapshot of a living breathing moment…so we can remember.

I want to believe in love with my whole heart and not just the broken pieces that I’ve been afraid to put back together. To finally understand that there is no wall thick enough to keep your heart from breaking. So you might as well put it all on the line and bet on yourself in the game.

“ The first step in getting what you want, is having the courage to get rid of what you don’t.” – Unknown

I want to see things as they are, not as I would like them to be or how the world says they should be. How they really are. Underneath all the makeup and regret. Then I want to see them as they could be so that the future is better than the past.

I want to count the stars and stare at the moon. Watch it moving above me like I’m sitting still. Contemplate a world so cool that the moon actually follows me around.

I want to be remembered someday, not for all of the things that I didn’t do, but for all of the things that I did. All of the things that impacted someone else, because I believe that when you are living your life to your greatest and highest levels that it spreads and others do the same.

Why you ask……
Because I want to……

 

     “When you want something you’ve never had. You have to do something you’ve never done”  – Unknown

To Love You Any Way

Searching

 

     It always amazes me when someone hates school. That’s like saying I hate life. After all this is just one big cosmic class room for the learning impaired. Everyone running around with their head spinning trying to cram at the last minute for a test they didn’t know was coming. Sometimes it feels like every other day half the world wakes up and the Universe screams “pop quiz!” Sad part is Mom’s not always home to ask us what we learned today, and we are too caught up in the stress of it, or in some cases the mess of it and we forget to ask ourselves. Then there comes a day that stops us in our tracks. A day that was seemingly like any other, until it wasn’t. The day that causes us to get quiet and reevaluate our lives. To slow down, take a deep breath and just ask ourselves …”what was that really all about anyway, that thing that pissed us off so bad?”

      You see lately I find myself in situations that normally would have turned me just around the corner from crazy and look at them in a different way. I’m feeling like those buttons you used to push aren’t there anymore. All of those things that you would do that hurt me are gone.  Even when the same sin is committed by someone else. I used to hold it against them and get furious at the thought of them treating me the same way that you did. Now I understand that it is their lack not mine, but you brought it out in me because I felt the same lack at that time. The difference in then and now is that my heart is full and I don’t feel that lack in me anymore. When I see me, I know that I’m enough. No matter if you’re in my life or not I’m happy. So what’s my lesson in life been lately…”Love myself enough, to know that I can love you anyway.”

       I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not yell at or lecture my children. I talk to them as if they can understand, and in return they listen. When things are down I give them the only thing I have to give them that means anything in this world. I give them my love.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not get mad at my critics, but rather understand the hurt that is behind the words that are said. It’s hard to look beyond words sometimes, but that is where we hide our elusive hearts.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that most of what was said wasn’t the same thing that was heard. So we need to forgive ourselves for the moments that we did not understand and forgive others for the times that they did not.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know to trust that voice within When it screams “Write…you have something to say!” To trust in the possibility that what I have to say might change someone. That it might, just maybe change me.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that it doesn’t matter if you see me….If you love me. For the first time in my life I’m not invisible, if you choose not to see me it’s because you’ve chosen to be blind. If you choose not to love me it’s because you’ve chosen to stay inside yourself a while longer…..and I’ve learned to love myself enough, to love you anyway.

     I’m just waiting for the day when everyone quits hating class, and can truly say “I love school!” “It’s tough sometimes, but those are the times that are the most worth it.”  Somehow they turn out to be the “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world moments.”  They are just before the most beautiful moments of our lives. The one where we realize that if we could all just spend one day loving ourselves so much that we could say to those who do us wrong, lie to us, try to break us, the one’s with the lessons that allow us to grow. Could you say to them…I love me enough, to love you anyway?

Tonight

Tonight I just want to burn it all up…every part and piece of my past that weighs me down, let it all go up in smoke. Leave behind the pain of it and build myself into a better version of the amazing that I know I already am. Tonight I want to dance in the rain and let it wash away the residue of the life that I have already lived. Make room on my skin for the glorious new life that is in front of me.  Tonight I want to not ever forget where I come from, or where I’ve been. I do however want to stop letting it define who I am in this moment, because I am neither of those things. Tonight I want to find my voice, the one that’s screaming from deep inside me the words “I just want to be heard.” I rarely let her out to play, at least not until she throws a tantrum that I can’t control. I want to let her out to play every day…that voice that rules my heart.

Tonight I want to bottle that feeling that I felt all day, where life was just flowing through me instead of me feeling like I was fighting the current. Then I can just take a sip whenever I get caught up in the rapids. Tonight I want to remember what it’s like to see life through the eyes of a child. Look at everything as though it was brand new and I’m seeing it for the first time. Somewhere along the journey I grew up and forgot how amazing it is to just get lost in the wonder and the beauty of life. Tonight I want to relearn, redesign, and realign my life. Pick up all those broken pieces of the puzzle that I long ago dropped on the ground see what still fits in the picture, and lovingly discard the rest. Tonight I want to rediscover that total high you get when you are living your life, your way, without apology, fear, or judgment.

Tonight I want to stare up at the moon and remember that I am a part of that kind of beautiful. In fact I am that kind of beautiful, because I am you and you are me and we are the universe in human form. Tonight I want to remember that we are all that kind of beautiful, the cracks on the moon don’t take away from the beauty of it and neither do our scars.  Tonight I want to remember that love isn’t just a thing, it’s the only thing. It’s who I am, and who you are and who we all are underneath the walls we’ve built around ourselves that are designed to keep it out. Tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to remember what my first taste of what I can only imagine was freedom from the invisible chains that weighed me down was like. When I wake up in the morning I’m going to go in search of it once more, because once you’ve tasted it….I don’t think you can ever get enough.

Looking For Love

          Love is abundant, but our experiences of it are sometimes rare ~ Gary Zukov. I just read those words, it’s amazing how when truth strikes you, you just feel it. I wonder sometimes how many people spend their days wandering the earth and never see anything except the pain of it. Could this be the reason that suicide rates are so high in the world today? Not only suicide rates, but depression, drug abuse (both legal and illegal), makes me wonder what would happen if people were taught to look inside any situation and find the love in it. I think this should be one of the earliest lessons for our children to learn. Can you imagine a society full of people who really did look for the sunny side of their sadness? The Dalai Lhama says If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry. When we are worried and can’t see the love in a situation, then we suffer. If we find the love in a situation then we can stay in the moment, and in the moment we find that everything is ok, just as it is.

     I know that preaching things and living them are two different things, and I don’t want you to get the idea that I don’t ever feel pain, sadness, anger or get just a little depressed. I do, but that’s part of the human experience. There’s a saying out there that says it pretty good…

Unnamed woman’s autobiography…she wrote 4 short chapters.

Chapter 1 – Went walking down a street – there was a hole; I fell in. Struggled to climb out. Not my fault.

Chapter 2 – Went walking down same street – there was a hole; I fell in. Struggled to climb out. My fault.

Chapter 3 – Went walking down same street – walked around the hole.

Chapter 4 – Went down a different street.

     I think that sums up life pretty good, we all get hit by things we didn’t expect. That’s when it’s not our fault, we didn’t know it was coming. We react with anger, sadness, loss and depression. We lose sight of anything beautiful, or spectacular in the world around us. We put on blinders that we choose to wear every day and see the world only in shades of grey. Never getting to see the rainbows right in front of us that were put there just for us to see. What so many people in the world forget to realize is that we have a choice to continue to walk down that same road and fall in that same hole every day. I know it’s not easy, I’ve done my time in purgatory. At the end of the day I find comfort in knowing that I have a choice what street I walk down today. There are days I choose the shades of grey, because a rainbow would just piss me off more than I could stand. However, the majority of my days I choose to walk in the sunshine and find the love that passed through my life today.

     Tonight I leave you with a question to think about….what would change in your world tomorrow if you spent just that one day looking for the love in your life instead of looking for the loss? I’m not talking about the little moments that we can all find gratitude in every day. What I’m talking about is those life changing moments when you know that life will never be the same from here on out. Can you look at those moments with a microscope and not only find the gratitude, but find the love? Can you find the love of your friends, loved ones, strangers and sometimes your community at large…can you find the love of God? Can you find love for yourself? These days I walk my talk, some days it might take me longer than others to find it, but I always find the love in my days.

 

In The Flow

 

     I’m not sure why I often find myself outside at night contemplating life. There’s something about looking up at the sky and wondering….well wondering a little bit of everything. Kind of like the cat on the railing above me as he’s looking up at the roof and wondering what’s up there. I wonder if when he jumps up on the roof his curiosity kicks back in as there is nothing obstructing his view of the sky now. Does he now ask the same question to the sky as he did the roof….what’s out there? If he could would he find a way to get to the sky only to discover the universe and wonder…what’s out there. That reminds me of what people do. Find the greatest thing in the world and all they can see is the next thing past it that’s going to be the greatest thing in the world. When will we just be grateful of the amazing right in front of us, and stop trying to find something better?  As long as we are always looking around the corner for something better we’ll never be happy.

     I’m not sure when that kicked in exactly, that loss of enthusiasm on the quest to more and better. All I know is that one day it just left. Not that I don’t of course want my life to continue to get better, I do. I just want it to be through a natural flow, not one made up of expectations and attachments to things that will always work out just the way they were meant to anyway. Being attached to something doesn’t give you any more control over anything, in fact in my case it generally gives me less. This is my favorite lesson in all of this, learning to just flow with life instead of always trying to swim upstream. Oh, and did I mention I can’t swim? That makes it tougher.

     I’m finding that as I just let go the story gets better. Everyday I’m brought everything I need, no struggle, no strife, just here you go, everything’s taken care of today. It’s almost like watching things in nature work. The wind blows and if the tree just sways with the wind then everything is ok, but the minute that tree puts up a resistance then its branches break. If you’ve ever seen John Travolta’s movie Phenomenon that’s the secret to life that he discovers, that everything is like the ebb and flow of the wind through the trees. If we don’t fight it, and we can be grateful for it then we never have to search for more and better because we always have just what we need and it’s always the greatest thing in the world.

     Lately that’s been my life, just blowing in the breeze. Seeing where today takes me, and wondering if I’ll find my way back. After all I have been forgetting to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to make it easy. My favorite thing about everyday lately is finding so many small moments that I like to take a mental picture of. I like to call them freeze frame moments. The kind where you’d almost like to climb into a bubble and float around in it forever. I haven’t always focused my attention on those kind of moments. I remember a time that I kept my focus on the moments that felt like quicksand. I wouldn’t trade the peace I feel inside for the adrenaline rush of the other. My motto for the moment is one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time it will all come together. Like the river flowing all the way to the ocean just like it was meant to be. 

Butterflies, Roadrunners, and Thorns

They say if it scratches, bites or stings it lives in the desert. I usually think about it like that when I’m driving through it on the highway. I’m from the mountains, where there’s pine trees and lakes and wildflowers, not cactus, snakes and anything else that bites. Every now and then I get a glimpse of the desert from the other side, from right down inside of it. It’s always so much different than it is when you are just looking at it from the highway. Everyone talks about all of the things that scratch, bite or sting and they forget about the flowers, the wildlife and today butterflies….lots and lots of butterflies! I don’t think I’ve seen that many butterflies since I was a five year old and we lived in Missouri. It was amazing!  A spiritual teacher of mine once told me that if you’re paying attention the Universe sends you signs of what’s to come for you. He went on to say that if you know it’s medicine that anything can be a teacher. The plants, the trees and most importantly the animals. It isn’t a coincidence when a certain animal crosses your path, and if you study their medicine you’ll know what messages they bring you. So anytime I see an animal that I don’t normally see a lot, I study their medicine.

     The butterfly is a potent symbol for those considering or in the middle of big changes. Butterfly comes to teach us that changes doesn’t have to be traumatic.  Butterflies are the symbol not only of change, but of joy, creativity, freedom and color.   Well no wonder I’m seeing so many butterflies in the middle of the desert! That message wasn’t just for me though, I was with my Dad, and I know that it was for the both of us. In different ways of course. As I looked at my Dad today I realize how much he’s not the same strong man he used to be. The years have been hard on him, and if you look closely you’ll see the scars he carries with him. The love, the sadness, the traumas and the loss.  Somehow sometimes when you look that closely at someone, not in a judgmental way but in a, I want to understand who you are kind of way you’ll find the scars they carry are not much different from your own. They just carried their scars in a different way than you.  He’s faced many changes in the last 6 months, from major back surgery that will keep him from ever being as active as he used to be to the loss of his little sister. As always he makes it through to the other side just as determined as he was before and just a little softer around his heart.

     The other animal that was out of the ordinary today was a Roadrunner, literally running down the road (if you could call it that) in front of us. Roadrunner medicine tells us that because the Roadrunner is always thinking of ways to get what it wants it reminds us to use the ingenuity of our minds.  Roadrunner tells us to “think” our way out of our problems and that we have the mental capabilities to fix or change any situation. This one I know was just for me since I’m the only one who saw him, and if I could master the art of slowing my mind down to one thought at a time I would say that’s great medicine. Even without the messages from the animals, today really was just a beautiful day in the desert. Even though everything in the desert really does have thorns including me by the time I left. There’s still the unexpected surprise when you come around a corner to an oasis where a little stream is running and the trees must be hundreds of years old. Then there’s the surprise you get when you get smacked with a stickery bush because you were concentrating on how pretty the flowers were on some cactus that’s all full of thorns but just as beautiful as a rose. The desert is kind of like life, full of things that are out to scratch, bite or sting us and yet full of so much beauty.