Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself. I can’t remember where I heard that, but as I sit here tonight in my half empty apartment it keeps running through my head. It seems like I just moved and got rid of half my things. Yet the reality of I’m moving again and getting rid of the rest of my things is staring at me amongst all of the boxes. I know I should be completely freaked out right now, funny thing is there is such a calm about me ……..
A few days later……
It was a hot miserable day today so I’m sitting outside on my dear friends patio looking at the sky and hoping to catch a glimpse of one of those stars that you can’t see through the city lights, and I’m thinking, I can’t believe I really did it! I can’t believe I actually quit my job, got rid of almost everything that I own, gave up my apartment and am now relying on the kindness of my friends for a place to sleep. The part that is the most shocking is the knowing that I have never been this brave before. Certainly not brave enough to not be afraid. This time that little person inside my head that says “what the *#$% are you doing” hasn’t found it’s voice. I can honestly say that in the best of times I don’t remember ever feeling this at peace. It has been amazing how swift and smoothly things are transitioning in and out of my life. Some days I can’t believe how quickly the things I need are being brought to me and how fast the things that no longer serve me are disappearing. I think this is the process they speak of when they mention “letting go, and letting God”. It’s faith for sure there is no doubt.
This story does have a warning for others however. Remember that saying your mother used to use….and yes all mothers used this one “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”. About a year ago I was sitting with my Life Coach and we were discussing how I could get better at letting people in…you know, like actually connecting with people in a real way. I laugh now at how a couple of times he would really want to do the facepalm, but instead would just look at me and say “this can’t be this hard!” Hardest thing I have ever done in my life coach! This of course was in the middle of a lot of hard things like moving out of the house that had been my home of 17 years, and quitting my job where I was secure and embarking on a new adventure. (Said new adventure turned out badly if you hadn’t guessed that) I have to say though that during this last year of my life I have made some of the best friends that I have ever had in my life, and learned how to connect with anyone almost instantly. That part of the journey I would have to say has been well worth it. Don’t get me wrong here I’m not saying that I’m cured and I’ve gotten completely over my whole letting people in thing. It still seems that those I would most like to let in are the ones that are the hardest to give a key to. Now I see myself still learning this lesson and finding myself learning to let people in, in a whole new way. I’m not sure if my coach would be proud that I’m doing it, or still shaking his head going “this can’t be this hard!” All I have to say for myself is apparently some people have to do things the hard way, and my parents often tell me that I’ve been hard headed since birth.
Even with all of that I’m still at peace. I’ve come to the conclusion that the peace comes from finally having a clear vision of the things I want. It’s crazy how the universe works, get rid of everything you have so you can find what you want. For the first time I have a clear vision of the me I want to become. I feel like I have direction in a way I’ve never had it before. The difference in this one and the old one? This one isn’t about the pursuit of money. This vision is in pursuit of just being the best version of me that I can possibly be so that I can help others become the best versions of themselves. Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself…..or maybe that should read sometimes you have to let go of all the things you think are everything and go out and find what’s real. What’s real is our connections, not just to our family and friends but to all of the people that we meet every day. They all have something to teach us if we’re listening.