I’m sitting here on a rock on the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley and for whatever reason I’m reminded of the first time I ever got mad at God. Like really mad, like the kind of mad you get when you don’t talk to someone for years. When I was a little kid we had a good relationship, or well the kind the Churches’ make you believe is good. You know the kind where you wholeheartedly believe in Hell so you are scared to do anything wrong, because burning for eternity just doesn’t sound pleasant. So I used to pray every night, mostly for things like no floods, no volcanoes, no earthquakes, you know the kind of things all kids pray about. Then my grandma got sick and the nature of my prayers changed. I knew a lot for a kid and I always knew from things that I would over hear and the way all of the adults acted things were worse than they were telling us. You could see the sadness written all over everyone, but none like my Grandpa. One look in his sad eyes and you knew that things were grim. So the prayers became “please don’t let my grandma die”. I cried, I bargained….you know the “I’ll never be bad if you just let her live” kind of bargaining. We all do it at times of desperation when you know the only hope you have is if God almighty steps in and creates a miracle for you. There was no miracle, about 6 months after my Grandma had announced (as cool as you can imagine while peeling carrots) she had cancer. This is what started my rage at God.
I’d like to say I got past it quickly, but anyone who knows me will tell you I’m stubborn. This was a grudge I was planning to hold onto, because obviously it has to be someone’s fault when bad things happen. So I figured why not blame God, and sure enough every time life threw a curveball that I found unfair or painful I chucked it at God. I know I’m not alone in this you hear people all the time when something bad happens saying things like “God must not exist”, or “God is cruel”. I find it ironic that the very things that lead you away from the belief in God are the very same type of things that bring you back to a relationship. There comes a point when you’ve been knocked to your knees hard enough, when you can no longer see anything in the situation except for God. To make a long story short I finally found my belief and lost my anger. It’s not the same type of belief that it used to be since my belief is no longer based in fear or in a God that is only there to judge and punish. I use terms like Spirit, Universe, and on occasion Goddess, they all describe the same thing to me. I discovered a God that is Love, nothing more, nothing less, just Love.
So why am I reminded of this while sitting here enjoying the peace? I think it’s because sometimes you need to be reminded of how far you’ve come. Sometimes a memory is just there to remind you to always be grateful for every situation. It’s funny how if you try you can look back on any situation no matter how horrible at some point and find the roses that came from the thorns. Every event in our lives is there to teach us something, even death. Sometimes death no matter how unfair it seems can teach us how precious time is. We all know there really is only one true rule of life, it’s that none of us are getting out of her alive. So sitting here right now and seeing God in everything, every rock, every tree, and feeling God in the breeze that’s blowing through me reminds me of a time I couldn’t see that. So I close my eyes and say a silent thank you to Spirit for allowing me this kind of sight.
Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself. I can’t remember where I heard that, but as I sit here tonight in my half empty apartment it keeps running through my head. It seems like I just moved and got rid of half my things. Yet the reality of I’m moving again and getting rid of the rest of my things is staring at me amongst all of the boxes. I know I should be completely freaked out right now, funny thing is there is such a calm about me ……..
A few days later……
It was a hot miserable day today so I’m sitting outside on my dear friends patio looking at the sky and hoping to catch a glimpse of one of those stars that you can’t see through the city lights, and I’m thinking, I can’t believe I really did it! I can’t believe I actually quit my job, got rid of almost everything that I own, gave up my apartment and am now relying on the kindness of my friends for a place to sleep. The part that is the most shocking is the knowing that I have never been this brave before. Certainly not brave enough to not be afraid. This time that little person inside my head that says “what the *#$% are you doing” hasn’t found it’s voice. I can honestly say that in the best of times I don’t remember ever feeling this at peace. It has been amazing how swift and smoothly things are transitioning in and out of my life. Some days I can’t believe how quickly the things I need are being brought to me and how fast the things that no longer serve me are disappearing. I think this is the process they speak of when they mention “letting go, and letting God”. It’s faith for sure there is no doubt.
This story does have a warning for others however. Remember that saying your mother used to use….and yes all mothers used this one “be careful what you wish for, you just might get it”. About a year ago I was sitting with my Life Coach and we were discussing how I could get better at letting people in…you know, like actually connecting with people in a real way. I laugh now at how a couple of times he would really want to do the facepalm, but instead would just look at me and say “this can’t be this hard!” Hardest thing I have ever done in my life coach! This of course was in the middle of a lot of hard things like moving out of the house that had been my home of 17 years, and quitting my job where I was secure and embarking on a new adventure. (Said new adventure turned out badly if you hadn’t guessed that) I have to say though that during this last year of my life I have made some of the best friends that I have ever had in my life, and learned how to connect with anyone almost instantly. That part of the journey I would have to say has been well worth it. Don’t get me wrong here I’m not saying that I’m cured and I’ve gotten completely over my whole letting people in thing. It still seems that those I would most like to let in are the ones that are the hardest to give a key to. Now I see myself still learning this lesson and finding myself learning to let people in, in a whole new way. I’m not sure if my coach would be proud that I’m doing it, or still shaking his head going “this can’t be this hard!” All I have to say for myself is apparently some people have to do things the hard way, and my parents often tell me that I’ve been hard headed since birth.
Even with all of that I’m still at peace. I’ve come to the conclusion that the peace comes from finally having a clear vision of the things I want. It’s crazy how the universe works, get rid of everything you have so you can find what you want. For the first time I have a clear vision of the me I want to become. I feel like I have direction in a way I’ve never had it before. The difference in this one and the old one? This one isn’t about the pursuit of money. This vision is in pursuit of just being the best version of me that I can possibly be so that I can help others become the best versions of themselves. Sometimes you have to lose everything to find yourself…..or maybe that should read sometimes you have to let go of all the things you think are everything and go out and find what’s real. What’s real is our connections, not just to our family and friends but to all of the people that we meet every day. They all have something to teach us if we’re listening.