To Love You Any Way

Searching

 

     It always amazes me when someone hates school. That’s like saying I hate life. After all this is just one big cosmic class room for the learning impaired. Everyone running around with their head spinning trying to cram at the last minute for a test they didn’t know was coming. Sometimes it feels like every other day half the world wakes up and the Universe screams “pop quiz!” Sad part is Mom’s not always home to ask us what we learned today, and we are too caught up in the stress of it, or in some cases the mess of it and we forget to ask ourselves. Then there comes a day that stops us in our tracks. A day that was seemingly like any other, until it wasn’t. The day that causes us to get quiet and reevaluate our lives. To slow down, take a deep breath and just ask ourselves …”what was that really all about anyway, that thing that pissed us off so bad?”

      You see lately I find myself in situations that normally would have turned me just around the corner from crazy and look at them in a different way. I’m feeling like those buttons you used to push aren’t there anymore. All of those things that you would do that hurt me are gone.  Even when the same sin is committed by someone else. I used to hold it against them and get furious at the thought of them treating me the same way that you did. Now I understand that it is their lack not mine, but you brought it out in me because I felt the same lack at that time. The difference in then and now is that my heart is full and I don’t feel that lack in me anymore. When I see me, I know that I’m enough. No matter if you’re in my life or not I’m happy. So what’s my lesson in life been lately…”Love myself enough, to know that I can love you anyway.”

       I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not yell at or lecture my children. I talk to them as if they can understand, and in return they listen. When things are down I give them the only thing I have to give them that means anything in this world. I give them my love.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to not get mad at my critics, but rather understand the hurt that is behind the words that are said. It’s hard to look beyond words sometimes, but that is where we hide our elusive hearts.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that most of what was said wasn’t the same thing that was heard. So we need to forgive ourselves for the moments that we did not understand and forgive others for the times that they did not.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know to trust that voice within When it screams “Write…you have something to say!” To trust in the possibility that what I have to say might change someone. That it might, just maybe change me.

     I’ve learned to love myself enough, to know that it doesn’t matter if you see me….If you love me. For the first time in my life I’m not invisible, if you choose not to see me it’s because you’ve chosen to be blind. If you choose not to love me it’s because you’ve chosen to stay inside yourself a while longer…..and I’ve learned to love myself enough, to love you anyway.

     I’m just waiting for the day when everyone quits hating class, and can truly say “I love school!” “It’s tough sometimes, but those are the times that are the most worth it.”  Somehow they turn out to be the “I wouldn’t have missed it for the world moments.”  They are just before the most beautiful moments of our lives. The one where we realize that if we could all just spend one day loving ourselves so much that we could say to those who do us wrong, lie to us, try to break us, the one’s with the lessons that allow us to grow. Could you say to them…I love me enough, to love you anyway?

Just Run

A few weeks ago I heard a small voice from within saying run. Not like away from anything or to anywhere in particular. Just run for the sake of running. I have to admit that I don’t always listen to that voice, especially when I don’t like what it’s telling me…the lazy girl that resides in me isn’t a big fan of the run word. For whatever reason the voice was different this time, it was persistent, loud and ever present. So after all of the question and answer periods I started to think…maybe I could run. It actually started to sound freeing in a ways that I had never contemplated before.

     So one night after putting up my last fight for freedom against running, I reluctantly grabbed my running shoes. Time to put them to good use I guess, although I was wondering while putting them on “who owns running shoes and doesn’t run anyway?”  A few minutes later I was standing on the side of the road pondering whether or not I was really going to do this. Then here comes the voice again, much louder than ever…”RUN!” So I ran. Just a little at first, when you haven’t done something since you were a kid on the playground, it can feel a little awkward at first. I didn’t really find my stride that night, as with everything in my life right now both the new and the old it felt a little foreign to my body. I came home hoping the voice would be soothed and maybe just maybe that was all I needed. Run once and the voice will go away…that’s what I was hoping anyway.

NO SUCH LUCK!!

     The voice has stayed and it has hovered in my head. So I go running. I finally found my stride and the awkwardness I was feeling in my body is finally subsiding. Oddly enough I am finding that running is becoming a gateway to some kind of deep desire I have to feel free, and when I run I feel free. I think that’s why children spend so much time running, they don’t yet know all of the things in life that are going to come along and weigh you down. Children only know what it means to be free. So I am soothing that inner child in a whole new way and as a result I feel like I am starting to show up in the world in a whole new way as well. I admit that there are days that the foreign feeling of my life lately leaves me feeling a little lost, but most every day I am starting to get comfortable with the newness of it all. I am finding my voice and speaking my truth these days in ways that are all new to me, and it’s refreshing in a frightening kind of way. So tonight while I am feeling a little down, the old me would go buy a bottle of wine, or find a friend to go have a drink with, the new me is just going to go for a run.

This is my feeling free, wind in my face, my life 4 me,  no looking back, whole new world, life changing, loving me therapy. No gadgets or gizmos required, just show up and challenge myself to be better than I was yesterday and just run!!

Tonight

Tonight I just want to burn it all up…every part and piece of my past that weighs me down, let it all go up in smoke. Leave behind the pain of it and build myself into a better version of the amazing that I know I already am. Tonight I want to dance in the rain and let it wash away the residue of the life that I have already lived. Make room on my skin for the glorious new life that is in front of me.  Tonight I want to not ever forget where I come from, or where I’ve been. I do however want to stop letting it define who I am in this moment, because I am neither of those things. Tonight I want to find my voice, the one that’s screaming from deep inside me the words “I just want to be heard.” I rarely let her out to play, at least not until she throws a tantrum that I can’t control. I want to let her out to play every day…that voice that rules my heart.

Tonight I want to bottle that feeling that I felt all day, where life was just flowing through me instead of me feeling like I was fighting the current. Then I can just take a sip whenever I get caught up in the rapids. Tonight I want to remember what it’s like to see life through the eyes of a child. Look at everything as though it was brand new and I’m seeing it for the first time. Somewhere along the journey I grew up and forgot how amazing it is to just get lost in the wonder and the beauty of life. Tonight I want to relearn, redesign, and realign my life. Pick up all those broken pieces of the puzzle that I long ago dropped on the ground see what still fits in the picture, and lovingly discard the rest. Tonight I want to rediscover that total high you get when you are living your life, your way, without apology, fear, or judgment.

Tonight I want to stare up at the moon and remember that I am a part of that kind of beautiful. In fact I am that kind of beautiful, because I am you and you are me and we are the universe in human form. Tonight I want to remember that we are all that kind of beautiful, the cracks on the moon don’t take away from the beauty of it and neither do our scars.  Tonight I want to remember that love isn’t just a thing, it’s the only thing. It’s who I am, and who you are and who we all are underneath the walls we’ve built around ourselves that are designed to keep it out. Tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to remember what my first taste of what I can only imagine was freedom from the invisible chains that weighed me down was like. When I wake up in the morning I’m going to go in search of it once more, because once you’ve tasted it….I don’t think you can ever get enough.

The Phoenix

     “Sometimes your world has to completely change to become reborn. Sometimes you have to completely die to your life before because like a cocoon it was a place to prepare you. If you stay in the cocoon you will never truly live. To die to your present life is to change into the self you were born to be. Trusting G*d is the hardest thing to do sometimes, but it is the only way to break away and become the Phoenix…” ~ Charlie Moore

It seems like just yesterday my children were splashing in the mud puddles in front of our house on a rainy day. Just a blink of an eye back from there I was a child myself and out for a walk in the rain. It seems like yesterday, yet I live a million miles away from either of those places. Sometimes as slow as time seems to move, it really goes so fast. Time is in a constant state of motion in our lives and so is change.  Change creeps slowly into our lives at times and becomes a choice we make. Other times change crashes in through a window completely out of nowhere and shakes us at our core. This is when change becomes a painful process, slow progress is easy…this on the fly stuff is the hardcore work!

Have you ever had the thought “what else is there to lose?” Then been surprised by the answer when the answer is yes, and it’s the very things you thought were the most secure. It’s the things like the very core of who you are, or at least who you thought you were not fitting anymore. I guess you could describe it like a day when you try on all of the clothes in your closet and nothing fits. You know it’s time to go shopping, but you don’t know where to start because you’re right in-between sizes. This is where the journey starts, the setting fire to our past so we can leave behind the ashes of the person that we are not anymore.

I Greek mythology the Phoenix is a bird that is cyclically regenerated or reborn. I think that at the core of a human life is a Phoenix. Always watching and waiting for us to get a lesson so we can move forward to the next and the next and the next. Life seems to be a never ending cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. My friend Charlie sent me the quote above the other day. I don’t know that he did, but I like to think he wrote it just for me. When I thanked him for the words he told me that I am the greatest Phoenix that he has ever known. I have never thought of myself as having this power, but standing here staring at my past while I’m in the fire I can’t help but remember this has happened before. Sometimes when we look at things that seem brand new they are really all too familiar.  This will not be the first time that I have rebuilt myself from the ground up, and I am sure that it will not be the last.

I know that many of the people that I love the most are in this same place right now. Coming out of a life that doesn’t fit and not knowing what the future holds. Knowing that you can never be again the person that you are in this moment and fearful of the not knowing the person that you are supposed to be. This is the time we have to turn on our faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, because if we weren’t we would be somewhere completely different. Just a little tip for the journey, stay in the fire until it consumes you. Let it take every last piece of the illusion that is you, so you can be reborn into the life that you are meant to live. So you can be the Phoenix…..

I AM…

I AM STRONG…..

Sometimes I think I’m too strong for my own good. When I say that now I think of a line I heard on something on TV once. Girl comes in and her Mom asks
“how was your day?” She replies, “I walked through fire and I didn’t get burned.” Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like it can’t be the right way, because I see how other people come out of the fire, and the judgment kicks in and I think “there has to be something wrong with me.” After all I just walked through the same fire that you did, and I’m still standing tall. It doesn’t mean that there are not scars, some from wounds I never knew I had. What it means is that thing that I often judge as wrong, or not looking like it should is always there. Just tucked away in my pocket to help me get back up, just at the exact moment when I never thought I’d walk tall again. From here and moving forward I will no longer carry that with shame, from here on out I will wear my strength like the badge of honor that it has always deserved. From now on I will say it with pride, “I AM STRONG.”

I AM GRATEFUL….

I am grateful for all of the things that I have and the things that I don’t have in my life. Quite frankly I’m at one of the don’t have points in my life, but that just means that it’s a chance to have different things because the old ones didn’t suit me anymore. I know what it’s like to get bogged down in the mud, only to get out of it turn a corner and come face to face with your own shadow. I also know what it’s like to get lost in it all. So I choose to be grateful for the mud, grateful for my shadow, and no longer afraid of it. So every day, no matter what life throws at me, and long before I can find the beauty in it, I will breathe in and repeat until I believe it, “I AM GRATEFUL.”

I AM….

I am all of the things that I let you see on the outside, and a million more that I will only let you see as I trust you to handle them with care. I am still learning. It’s like the saying, the more you know the more you find out what you don’t know. Every time I think that I know, a whole new layer pops out at me and shows me that there’s still so much more to learn. I am the caterpillar yesterday and the butterfly today. Yesterday I crawled, and today I can fly.  I am everything you see when you look into my eyes, plus a universe of possibilities that even I can’t comprehend. I am a student, a teacher, a lover and a fighter. I am the light side, the dark side, and all the colors in between. I am everything that I was, and more than I know me to be. I am ready for tomorrow, because I can’t get back yesterday. Most importantly, above all of these other things I know that

I AM……

………ANYTHING I CHOOSE TO BE.

This entry was posted on September 6, 2013. 2 Comments

Tonight I Cried

 

     I won’t lie, I cried tonight. I’m not usually that kind of girl. Something happens and I’ll cry, but I’ll quickly dry the tears, push the issue to the side and step around it. While walking away I’ll think to myself “no worries, I’ll get to it later”. In my case however, later never comes. Then one day I wake up in this pile of stuff that’s almost too big to carry. Somehow after maybe a little bout of anger, or just enough tears that I don’t mess up my makeup I figure out how to rearrange and make room for some more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. Some days I walk a little crooked from the weight of it all on my back. So tonight I let some go….tonight I cried.

     I have the book by Iyanla Vanzant called “Today, I Cried”. If I’m being honest here I’ll have to tell you that I have never read the whole book. I’ve never even read past the intro part where she tells the story of the day she cried. That one piece alone has always been all that I thought I needed from that book. Every time that I read it I think “if I could master the art of really crying, not only when I needed to, but sometimes also for the times I needed to and couldn’t, how much less would that big pile of stuff weigh?” There are some things that I preach to others that I have a hard time practicing myself. I tell other people that showing your emotions isn’t weak. That it’s the strongest thing that you can do and in my heart of heart’s I believe that to be true. They say we teach what we need to learn and I’m still learning this one.  

     So…tonight I cried. I cried for all those times I let myself down because I was too afraid to speak my truth. I used to have a favorite saying “speak your truth, even when your voice shakes.” During the time that I repeated it often, I found myself speaking my truth more often. Even during the times that I was the most afraid of speaking. Then someone threw it back in my face as they were telling me something painful after I had spoken my truth. Then after one to many times of holding back my truth I stopped saying it, and then I stopped living it. Some doors and walls cost way too much, so tonight I cried to knock some of them down.

     I cried tonight because I remembered all of the things that I’ve been through lately that had deserved my tears. It kind of felt like I imagine the thirsty earth feels when the damn breaks, like how despite the destruction it causes the water from the flood still feels amazing. Now I don’t expect that tomorrow everything will be all green and beautiful again, but it’s a step in the right direction.

     Part of the time I cried tonight was simply because I was tired of crying, but the anger that came up because I couldn’t seem to control the endless amounts of water that was pouring from my heart just seemed to feed my tears. There even came a point that I just cried in surrender to the tears, and followed them where ever they wanted to go.  It was in that surrender that they finally found a place to stop…..at least for the moment.

     I know I’m not a master yet at the art of navigating my feelings, in fact in some ways I’m still in the beginning class, but they say admitting the problem is half of the fix. Some of it to me means, just because Wonder Woman has the strength of Hercules doesn’t mean she needs to use it to carry all of her troubles around. She does after all carry with her the powers of Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. So tonight I cried to remind myself that though I may have mastered some of the other powers, this one still eludes me. The ironic part is that I know it’s the most powerful force in the world. I guess what I’m saying if I had to sum it all up….tonight I cried for love.  

Breathe In…..Breathe Out….

     Breathe in….breathe out. Simple sentence and it seems like it would be an easy one to accomplish, since of course we do have to breathe to live. It’s amazing though how many times a day we forget to breathe. Not the automatic this keeps me alive kind of breathing, but the stopping everything else that we are doing in our crazy hectic lives and breathing. Being grateful for that breath and the next one and the next, it’s a beautiful reminder for all of the moments we’ve forgotten to feel the grace and just be grateful.

     I know what you’re thinking, “she’s written about gratitude before”. You are right I probably have, probably not that long ago. Here’s the thing about my writing, my writing takes me to the lesson that I am seeking in that moment. What may seem like me telling others how to live truly is just me reminding myself of the way that I choose to live my life. I choose to live my life in gratitude, especially in the moments that I am finding it the hardest to have any. So, long story short, I’m writing about gratitude in this moment, because I am working hard to find it.

     I was reading today about this thing that the author Elizabeth Gilbert encourages people to do….the happiness jar. You essentially keep the jar on your desk and at the end of every day, or throughout the day when something happens that makes you happy, you write it down and put it in the jar. Same concept really as a gratitude list, just a little more dramatic……and it makes a nice decoration for your desk. So tonight as all I have is the paper and not the jar I’m going to combine the two and make a happiness list. Not for the day, but for my life, because sometimes you have to dig down past the layer of frustration to find your foundation.

     The Happiness List…..

     I am happy because I have learned that all of the wrong turns that I have made in the past have led me to all the right places. Sometimes I know I have to make six right turns to get me to where one good left could have taken me, but I got to go some amazing place that I would have never seen.

     I am happy for having spent time with every person who has graced my life, both those who stayed forever and those who were only there for what seemed like the briefest of moments.

     I am happy, because I know change only happens when you are ready to handle it. So I know when the winds of change blows my way it’s because I’m at a new level and I’m ready.

     I am happy that I can’t see the future, this allows me to learn to live in the moment. That is why when I can slow down breathe in….breathe out I can get back to this one and it’s the place where we all find the most happiness. This moment, because in this moment everything is just as it should be. I am right where I need to be learning exactly what it is I’m meant to learn.

     Breathe in…..

                            Breath out…..