Tonight I Cried

 

     I won’t lie, I cried tonight. I’m not usually that kind of girl. Something happens and I’ll cry, but I’ll quickly dry the tears, push the issue to the side and step around it. While walking away I’ll think to myself “no worries, I’ll get to it later”. In my case however, later never comes. Then one day I wake up in this pile of stuff that’s almost too big to carry. Somehow after maybe a little bout of anger, or just enough tears that I don’t mess up my makeup I figure out how to rearrange and make room for some more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. Some days I walk a little crooked from the weight of it all on my back. So tonight I let some go….tonight I cried.

     I have the book by Iyanla Vanzant called “Today, I Cried”. If I’m being honest here I’ll have to tell you that I have never read the whole book. I’ve never even read past the intro part where she tells the story of the day she cried. That one piece alone has always been all that I thought I needed from that book. Every time that I read it I think “if I could master the art of really crying, not only when I needed to, but sometimes also for the times I needed to and couldn’t, how much less would that big pile of stuff weigh?” There are some things that I preach to others that I have a hard time practicing myself. I tell other people that showing your emotions isn’t weak. That it’s the strongest thing that you can do and in my heart of heart’s I believe that to be true. They say we teach what we need to learn and I’m still learning this one.  

     So…tonight I cried. I cried for all those times I let myself down because I was too afraid to speak my truth. I used to have a favorite saying “speak your truth, even when your voice shakes.” During the time that I repeated it often, I found myself speaking my truth more often. Even during the times that I was the most afraid of speaking. Then someone threw it back in my face as they were telling me something painful after I had spoken my truth. Then after one to many times of holding back my truth I stopped saying it, and then I stopped living it. Some doors and walls cost way too much, so tonight I cried to knock some of them down.

     I cried tonight because I remembered all of the things that I’ve been through lately that had deserved my tears. It kind of felt like I imagine the thirsty earth feels when the damn breaks, like how despite the destruction it causes the water from the flood still feels amazing. Now I don’t expect that tomorrow everything will be all green and beautiful again, but it’s a step in the right direction.

     Part of the time I cried tonight was simply because I was tired of crying, but the anger that came up because I couldn’t seem to control the endless amounts of water that was pouring from my heart just seemed to feed my tears. There even came a point that I just cried in surrender to the tears, and followed them where ever they wanted to go.  It was in that surrender that they finally found a place to stop…..at least for the moment.

     I know I’m not a master yet at the art of navigating my feelings, in fact in some ways I’m still in the beginning class, but they say admitting the problem is half of the fix. Some of it to me means, just because Wonder Woman has the strength of Hercules doesn’t mean she needs to use it to carry all of her troubles around. She does after all carry with her the powers of Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. So tonight I cried to remind myself that though I may have mastered some of the other powers, this one still eludes me. The ironic part is that I know it’s the most powerful force in the world. I guess what I’m saying if I had to sum it all up….tonight I cried for love.  

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