Archive | September 2013

Tonight

Tonight I just want to burn it all up…every part and piece of my past that weighs me down, let it all go up in smoke. Leave behind the pain of it and build myself into a better version of the amazing that I know I already am. Tonight I want to dance in the rain and let it wash away the residue of the life that I have already lived. Make room on my skin for the glorious new life that is in front of me.  Tonight I want to not ever forget where I come from, or where I’ve been. I do however want to stop letting it define who I am in this moment, because I am neither of those things. Tonight I want to find my voice, the one that’s screaming from deep inside me the words “I just want to be heard.” I rarely let her out to play, at least not until she throws a tantrum that I can’t control. I want to let her out to play every day…that voice that rules my heart.

Tonight I want to bottle that feeling that I felt all day, where life was just flowing through me instead of me feeling like I was fighting the current. Then I can just take a sip whenever I get caught up in the rapids. Tonight I want to remember what it’s like to see life through the eyes of a child. Look at everything as though it was brand new and I’m seeing it for the first time. Somewhere along the journey I grew up and forgot how amazing it is to just get lost in the wonder and the beauty of life. Tonight I want to relearn, redesign, and realign my life. Pick up all those broken pieces of the puzzle that I long ago dropped on the ground see what still fits in the picture, and lovingly discard the rest. Tonight I want to rediscover that total high you get when you are living your life, your way, without apology, fear, or judgment.

Tonight I want to stare up at the moon and remember that I am a part of that kind of beautiful. In fact I am that kind of beautiful, because I am you and you are me and we are the universe in human form. Tonight I want to remember that we are all that kind of beautiful, the cracks on the moon don’t take away from the beauty of it and neither do our scars.  Tonight I want to remember that love isn’t just a thing, it’s the only thing. It’s who I am, and who you are and who we all are underneath the walls we’ve built around ourselves that are designed to keep it out. Tonight as I fall asleep, I am going to remember what my first taste of what I can only imagine was freedom from the invisible chains that weighed me down was like. When I wake up in the morning I’m going to go in search of it once more, because once you’ve tasted it….I don’t think you can ever get enough.

The Phoenix

     “Sometimes your world has to completely change to become reborn. Sometimes you have to completely die to your life before because like a cocoon it was a place to prepare you. If you stay in the cocoon you will never truly live. To die to your present life is to change into the self you were born to be. Trusting G*d is the hardest thing to do sometimes, but it is the only way to break away and become the Phoenix…” ~ Charlie Moore

It seems like just yesterday my children were splashing in the mud puddles in front of our house on a rainy day. Just a blink of an eye back from there I was a child myself and out for a walk in the rain. It seems like yesterday, yet I live a million miles away from either of those places. Sometimes as slow as time seems to move, it really goes so fast. Time is in a constant state of motion in our lives and so is change.  Change creeps slowly into our lives at times and becomes a choice we make. Other times change crashes in through a window completely out of nowhere and shakes us at our core. This is when change becomes a painful process, slow progress is easy…this on the fly stuff is the hardcore work!

Have you ever had the thought “what else is there to lose?” Then been surprised by the answer when the answer is yes, and it’s the very things you thought were the most secure. It’s the things like the very core of who you are, or at least who you thought you were not fitting anymore. I guess you could describe it like a day when you try on all of the clothes in your closet and nothing fits. You know it’s time to go shopping, but you don’t know where to start because you’re right in-between sizes. This is where the journey starts, the setting fire to our past so we can leave behind the ashes of the person that we are not anymore.

I Greek mythology the Phoenix is a bird that is cyclically regenerated or reborn. I think that at the core of a human life is a Phoenix. Always watching and waiting for us to get a lesson so we can move forward to the next and the next and the next. Life seems to be a never ending cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. My friend Charlie sent me the quote above the other day. I don’t know that he did, but I like to think he wrote it just for me. When I thanked him for the words he told me that I am the greatest Phoenix that he has ever known. I have never thought of myself as having this power, but standing here staring at my past while I’m in the fire I can’t help but remember this has happened before. Sometimes when we look at things that seem brand new they are really all too familiar.  This will not be the first time that I have rebuilt myself from the ground up, and I am sure that it will not be the last.

I know that many of the people that I love the most are in this same place right now. Coming out of a life that doesn’t fit and not knowing what the future holds. Knowing that you can never be again the person that you are in this moment and fearful of the not knowing the person that you are supposed to be. This is the time we have to turn on our faith that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, because if we weren’t we would be somewhere completely different. Just a little tip for the journey, stay in the fire until it consumes you. Let it take every last piece of the illusion that is you, so you can be reborn into the life that you are meant to live. So you can be the Phoenix…..

I AM…

I AM STRONG…..

Sometimes I think I’m too strong for my own good. When I say that now I think of a line I heard on something on TV once. Girl comes in and her Mom asks
“how was your day?” She replies, “I walked through fire and I didn’t get burned.” Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Sometimes I feel like it can’t be the right way, because I see how other people come out of the fire, and the judgment kicks in and I think “there has to be something wrong with me.” After all I just walked through the same fire that you did, and I’m still standing tall. It doesn’t mean that there are not scars, some from wounds I never knew I had. What it means is that thing that I often judge as wrong, or not looking like it should is always there. Just tucked away in my pocket to help me get back up, just at the exact moment when I never thought I’d walk tall again. From here and moving forward I will no longer carry that with shame, from here on out I will wear my strength like the badge of honor that it has always deserved. From now on I will say it with pride, “I AM STRONG.”

I AM GRATEFUL….

I am grateful for all of the things that I have and the things that I don’t have in my life. Quite frankly I’m at one of the don’t have points in my life, but that just means that it’s a chance to have different things because the old ones didn’t suit me anymore. I know what it’s like to get bogged down in the mud, only to get out of it turn a corner and come face to face with your own shadow. I also know what it’s like to get lost in it all. So I choose to be grateful for the mud, grateful for my shadow, and no longer afraid of it. So every day, no matter what life throws at me, and long before I can find the beauty in it, I will breathe in and repeat until I believe it, “I AM GRATEFUL.”

I AM….

I am all of the things that I let you see on the outside, and a million more that I will only let you see as I trust you to handle them with care. I am still learning. It’s like the saying, the more you know the more you find out what you don’t know. Every time I think that I know, a whole new layer pops out at me and shows me that there’s still so much more to learn. I am the caterpillar yesterday and the butterfly today. Yesterday I crawled, and today I can fly.  I am everything you see when you look into my eyes, plus a universe of possibilities that even I can’t comprehend. I am a student, a teacher, a lover and a fighter. I am the light side, the dark side, and all the colors in between. I am everything that I was, and more than I know me to be. I am ready for tomorrow, because I can’t get back yesterday. Most importantly, above all of these other things I know that

I AM……

………ANYTHING I CHOOSE TO BE.

This entry was posted on September 6, 2013. 2 Comments

Tonight I Cried

 

     I won’t lie, I cried tonight. I’m not usually that kind of girl. Something happens and I’ll cry, but I’ll quickly dry the tears, push the issue to the side and step around it. While walking away I’ll think to myself “no worries, I’ll get to it later”. In my case however, later never comes. Then one day I wake up in this pile of stuff that’s almost too big to carry. Somehow after maybe a little bout of anger, or just enough tears that I don’t mess up my makeup I figure out how to rearrange and make room for some more. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. Some days I walk a little crooked from the weight of it all on my back. So tonight I let some go….tonight I cried.

     I have the book by Iyanla Vanzant called “Today, I Cried”. If I’m being honest here I’ll have to tell you that I have never read the whole book. I’ve never even read past the intro part where she tells the story of the day she cried. That one piece alone has always been all that I thought I needed from that book. Every time that I read it I think “if I could master the art of really crying, not only when I needed to, but sometimes also for the times I needed to and couldn’t, how much less would that big pile of stuff weigh?” There are some things that I preach to others that I have a hard time practicing myself. I tell other people that showing your emotions isn’t weak. That it’s the strongest thing that you can do and in my heart of heart’s I believe that to be true. They say we teach what we need to learn and I’m still learning this one.  

     So…tonight I cried. I cried for all those times I let myself down because I was too afraid to speak my truth. I used to have a favorite saying “speak your truth, even when your voice shakes.” During the time that I repeated it often, I found myself speaking my truth more often. Even during the times that I was the most afraid of speaking. Then someone threw it back in my face as they were telling me something painful after I had spoken my truth. Then after one to many times of holding back my truth I stopped saying it, and then I stopped living it. Some doors and walls cost way too much, so tonight I cried to knock some of them down.

     I cried tonight because I remembered all of the things that I’ve been through lately that had deserved my tears. It kind of felt like I imagine the thirsty earth feels when the damn breaks, like how despite the destruction it causes the water from the flood still feels amazing. Now I don’t expect that tomorrow everything will be all green and beautiful again, but it’s a step in the right direction.

     Part of the time I cried tonight was simply because I was tired of crying, but the anger that came up because I couldn’t seem to control the endless amounts of water that was pouring from my heart just seemed to feed my tears. There even came a point that I just cried in surrender to the tears, and followed them where ever they wanted to go.  It was in that surrender that they finally found a place to stop…..at least for the moment.

     I know I’m not a master yet at the art of navigating my feelings, in fact in some ways I’m still in the beginning class, but they say admitting the problem is half of the fix. Some of it to me means, just because Wonder Woman has the strength of Hercules doesn’t mean she needs to use it to carry all of her troubles around. She does after all carry with her the powers of Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. So tonight I cried to remind myself that though I may have mastered some of the other powers, this one still eludes me. The ironic part is that I know it’s the most powerful force in the world. I guess what I’m saying if I had to sum it all up….tonight I cried for love.