I’m sitting here on a rock on the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley and for whatever reason I’m reminded of the first time I ever got mad at God. Like really mad, like the kind of mad you get when you don’t talk to someone for years. When I was a little kid we had a good relationship, or well the kind the Churches’ make you believe is good. You know the kind where you wholeheartedly believe in Hell so you are scared to do anything wrong, because burning for eternity just doesn’t sound pleasant. So I used to pray every night, mostly for things like no floods, no volcanoes, no earthquakes, you know the kind of things all kids pray about. Then my grandma got sick and the nature of my prayers changed. I knew a lot for a kid and I always knew from things that I would over hear and the way all of the adults acted things were worse than they were telling us. You could see the sadness written all over everyone, but none like my Grandpa. One look in his sad eyes and you knew that things were grim. So the prayers became “please don’t let my grandma die”. I cried, I bargained….you know the “I’ll never be bad if you just let her live” kind of bargaining. We all do it at times of desperation when you know the only hope you have is if God almighty steps in and creates a miracle for you. There was no miracle, about 6 months after my Grandma had announced (as cool as you can imagine while peeling carrots) she had cancer. This is what started my rage at God.
I’d like to say I got past it quickly, but anyone who knows me will tell you I’m stubborn. This was a grudge I was planning to hold onto, because obviously it has to be someone’s fault when bad things happen. So I figured why not blame God, and sure enough every time life threw a curveball that I found unfair or painful I chucked it at God. I know I’m not alone in this you hear people all the time when something bad happens saying things like “God must not exist”, or “God is cruel”. I find it ironic that the very things that lead you away from the belief in God are the very same type of things that bring you back to a relationship. There comes a point when you’ve been knocked to your knees hard enough, when you can no longer see anything in the situation except for God. To make a long story short I finally found my belief and lost my anger. It’s not the same type of belief that it used to be since my belief is no longer based in fear or in a God that is only there to judge and punish. I use terms like Spirit, Universe, and on occasion Goddess, they all describe the same thing to me. I discovered a God that is Love, nothing more, nothing less, just Love.
So why am I reminded of this while sitting here enjoying the peace? I think it’s because sometimes you need to be reminded of how far you’ve come. Sometimes a memory is just there to remind you to always be grateful for every situation. It’s funny how if you try you can look back on any situation no matter how horrible at some point and find the roses that came from the thorns. Every event in our lives is there to teach us something, even death. Sometimes death no matter how unfair it seems can teach us how precious time is. We all know there really is only one true rule of life, it’s that none of us are getting out of her alive. So sitting here right now and seeing God in everything, every rock, every tree, and feeling God in the breeze that’s blowing through me reminds me of a time I couldn’t see that. So I close my eyes and say a silent thank you to Spirit for allowing me this kind of sight.